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Warner Bros wins Nobel prize, finds a cure for paraplegia

Being sick sucks. Big time. Lying in your bed, binge-watching another PlayStation IP on Netflix or Prime because you’re ordered to “rest”… Life can’t get any worse. But imagine not being able to get out of bed because your legs aren’t okay. No camomille tea is gonna soothe that ailment any time soon. But medical director Warner Bros (and resident DC Comics) have found a way to cure that pesky paraplegia: wishful thinking. If you set your mind to it and think about your dead parent hard enough, you’ll be walking around in no time. Somebody get these guys a Nobel prize already.

Ah yes… hope… the cure to all ailments. Imagine spending thousands on surgeries and chemotherapy, sending you and your family into crippling debt, and all you actually had to do was think yourself to good health. There’s not a doctor that has ever discussed that option. While people like Marie Curie spent ages figuring out ways to treat cancer, a hopeful mind has seemingly been all it takes. That is if we’re to believe Warner Bros and the bio they gave Barbara Gordon, a.k.a. Batgirl in Gotham Knights.

You see, Barbara took one for the team and at that point became a paraplegic. As Oracle, Barbara made herself useful as an Ask Me Anything on wheels. But gosh darn it, wouldn’t it be swell if those damn legs would just… you know… work? That would make her dead daddy Jim so proud. And therefore – according to Batgirl’s bio – Barbara started using her brain reaaaaally hard, since that was about the only thing that did function properly.

Of course, this led to a bit of a kerfuffle on socials. Making bold claims that a once paralyzed individual got over her paralysis by training, recovering, and thinking of her dead dad… preposterous. A slap in the face of all paraplegic people. So naturally, Warner Bros responded to the outrage of the wheeled woke by altering the bio slightly. It now states that Barbara actually went through rehabilitation.

So to all people who were hoping to get rid of their diseases by mere brainpower, I’m sorry. Think again. Even though that still won’t cure it.