Mario – from carpenter to Class A felon

Billy the Kid, Al Capone, Pablo Escobar. These are just a few names of some of the most notorious criminals in history. Even though they’ve committed atrocious acts of crime, people look up to them. Some even admire them to the point where they’d want to be like them. Movies have been created around their personas. They acquired cult status with their heinous deeds. It’s disgusting if you think about it, right? But what if I tell you that gamers have been worshiping the worst felon of them all: Mario.

Yes, Mario. The always chipper and lovable Mario, or Super Mario, as he’s sometimes referred to. We all tend to forget that this Italian guy of Japanese descent used to be a carpenter. Before he became known as Mario, he bore the name Jumpman, because that was his only real skill. Soon after, Jumpman became a plumber we now know as Mario. And right after that career change, things went south. Mario started to show signs of criminal behavior, and it happens right under our noses. Don’t believe me? Let me show you.

Mario the Animal Abuser

Mario always had issues with animals. It is easy to oversee this because Nintendo gave them silly names like Koopa Troopa, Cheep Cheep, and Buzzy Beatle. Still, if you sit back and observe what Mario is actually doing in pretty much every Super Mario game, it’s killing animals in their natural habitat. Let’s review what’s really happening. Princess Peach is gone. Somebody claims that Bowser took her (to which I’ll come back later on). I mean, the first Super Mario Bros. doesn’t even provide context when we set off. But still, we go out and stomp on creatures like it’s perfectly normal and justified. To make matters even worse, Koopa Troopas are being tossed around like a soccer ball for Mario’s own benefit. And if that isn’t bad enough, Mario has no problems with setting them on fire. Are you starting to see the problem now?

Mario the Arsonist

Maybe you don’t mind Mario’s animal abuse because “they have it coming”. Does that mean it’s fine to constantly set stuff on fire though? Think about it for a second. He eats a flower (which is weird already) and suddenly starts chucking fireballs around. Every bystander is shit out of luck and gets cremated by the happy plumber with a vengeance. Nintendo is smart enough to conceal this atrocious crime by masking it with a harmless animation. Actually depicting an enemy burning alive would raise an eyebrow or two, so smart thinking, Mr. Myamoto. Still, that doesn’t take away the fact that Mario is an arsonist with no sense of remorse. Probably because he’s doped to the gills all the time.

Mario the Junky

Yeah, I said it. He’s is a goddamn junkie. When it comes to mind-altering drugs, this guy takes them all. Mushrooms, weed, whatever the fuck is in those stars… the lot. It’s a surprise that we’ve never seen him hardline anything. The shrooms make him feel like he’s twice his actual size and occasionally give him an extra lease of life. WARNING: that is total horse crap! After tearing down some brick structures, Mario sometimes procures special leaves that get him airborne. Those make him believe he’s a tanooki, which is a Japanese raccoon dog. Yet still, he believes he’s capable of flying after taking a sprint and wiggling his tail. Right. And the star… that makes him invincible and hyperactive. I’m telling you, it has to be crack.

Mario the Hooligan

Unfortunately, you’re probably starting to see the pattern now. I’m sorry to burst your bubble. You’re probably also starting to see how Mario funds his addictions. Yes, Mario usually acquires his drugs – or the money to get his fix – by vandalizing. Mario tears down brick structures with his fists to scavenge coins or drugs without feeling the least bit guilty about it. Going down a sewer pipe for a possible fix? Not a problem. Sometimes Mario gets so high, he launches himself at other people’s flag poles for fun. “Why that’s a nice castle you have there, Bowser”. Not for long, it is. If you leave it up to Mario, it’s going to be reduced to a smoldering pile of rubble in a couple of minutes.

Mario the Homewrecker

Okay, this one may sound far-fetched, but hear me out. What if Mario is actually the kidnapper and Bowser isn’t? Think about it. Bowser has “taken” Princess Peach dozens of times now. Don’t you think that Peach would protect herself a little better if she doesn’t want to be taken? Maybe it’s Stockholm Syndrome. Or maybe… just maybe… she wants to be with Bowser and Mr. Wahoo is just this coked-up animal abuser that is dead set on getting a smelly moist finger at Peach’s expense. It really isn’t that far-fetched when you think about it. I mean, he’s horrible to his friends (he keeps hitting poor ol’ Yoshi in the head) and has one hell of a rap sheet. At least Bowser has a big ass castle, plus he never seemed to hurt anybody. Peach always looked fine and well-nourished to me.

And there you have it. All the proof that Mario isn’t as cute as Nintendo makes you believe. The subliminal clues have been there, just waiting to be found. Just like Disney’s alleged perverseness, Mario’s criminal behavior and malicious intent need to be brought to the surface. I’m sorry for the long read though. Here’s a video from TerminalMontage that sums it up pretty neatly.