[EXPLICIT] I Am Jesus Christ is a miracle in the making

*If you’re a religious person and/or quickly offended by religious jokes, you might wanna look away now. This post regarding I Am Jesus Christ ain’t for you. Trust me. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.*

Have you ever wanted to turn tap water into a nice vintage Chateau Migraine? Do you want to annoy your wife/girlfriend by having even bigger holes in your hand? Do you also wonder what it feels like to just hang around with a group of dudes and a prostitute, performing neat tricks left and right? Thanks to developer SimulaM, you’ll soon be able to in I Am Jesus Christ. Hallelujer!

I’m not bullshitting you. I Am Jesus Christ is a real thing. And even though it’s hardly considered news (it has been around for a while), Easer seemed like a good opportunity to talk about this messiah sim. Now, I might make light of things in this item (which ironically was one of Jesus’ traits, too), the game itself is rather serious.

I Am Jesus Christ literally makes you… well… him. I’m pretty sure that this isn’t considered the second coming of Christ, but it kinda tries to be. As the Son of God Almighty himself, you’ll be tasked with plenty of things. Cure the sick, destroy a marketplace in a synagogue, perform all kinds of miracles, even walk on water. That poser Dynamo won’t have shit on you. I mean, look at the trailer. The devs absolutely ‘nailed’ it…

According to the game’s Steam page, there will even be a prologue coming soon. What that prologue will entail, nobody knows. I mean, what did happen before God decided to knock up Mary, giving her the worst “I swear to my baby daddy that I didn’t do the sex with someone else”-talk with a husband EVER! Did Jesus lose a bet on how long it would take for humanity to fuck things up so royally? Or was it more of a challenge? An “I bet I can make a dude kiss me for a bag of gold and make the others eat my flesh and blood” kind of challenge.

I guess SimulaM will show us soon. Just don’t kill me for this. I haven’t mastered the art of resurrecting and moving a big ass boulder yet…

Happy Easter, everyone!