[REVIEW] Diablo 2: Resurrected – Giving me urrections again

With Diablo IV being postponed yet again, what’s a Diablo fan to do? The release date is looking more uncertain than ever now that Jen O’neil has decided to leave the company. Why, Alex Afrasiabi? Why couldn’t you stop rubbing your Horadric staff* on your direct colleagues? And why did you get these urges halfway into the production of Diablo 4? Anyway, due to the recent troubles at Blizzard, the unlimited well of inspiration has turned dryer than a pit of Lut Gholein’s desert sand. With recent gaming trends leaning backward, why not yet make another remaster? Why not polish a game like Diablo 2 as if it were Alex’s shiny Horadric staff, just so I can review it fashionably late?

So, how fairs this revived piece of gaming history? Pretty decent, actually! From the moment I booted up the game, it hit me right in the nostalgic nether region! That music… it sure brings back some old memories. It’s clear that with this remaster of Diablo 2, the studio stayed true to the original in the most epic way possible. The cinematics are the same as they were in my memories of at least 20 years ago. Then again, a quick Youtube search shows they’ve been updated though. The same goes for the graphics.

I was a tad disappointed with the 800×600 maximum resolution at first. I ain’t gonna lie. But I quickly realized higher resolutions would mean looking from a greater distance, which would be a waste. The graphics and textures look very familiar at first, maybe even a little too familiar. I honestly thought not a lot had changed. By revealing the original textures with the press of key combination, I had to revise my opinion on that. Boy was I wrong! As if they put 26 perfect topazes in the socketed original and put a spell on it. A lot was done to improve this game, without really changing it.

Like I explained in my KOTOR piece last week, I am the kind of guy who keeps buying the same game on different platforms. Obviously, to play the game again, but also to change the experience ever so slightly. Besides Kotor, this occurred with GTA Vice City (PC, Steam, PS2, mobile/iOS, and PS5) and L.A. Noire (PS3, PS4, and Switch). Of course, the Diablo franchise is no different. I own two hard copies of Diablo 2 and the Lords of Destruction for PC, and I own a hard copy of Diablo 3 on PC. I finished Diablo III on the Switch within 24 hours on the day I bought it. And now I also own Diablo II and Diablo III on Playstation 4/5.

To be honest, Diablo II basically is a point-and-click game, so it works best with a mouse. But I was surprised how well Diablo III functions on consoles. Unfortunately, this is not really the case for Diablo II. Moving junk around in your inventory or picking that one piece off the floor is a giant pain in the diabolical sphincter! It takes the speed out of a quest run faster than the Dark Lord can jump out of its hiding hole. #nospoilers

The fact is, Diablo 2 was outdated and Diablo 3 simply could not live up to its predecessor’s reputation. Another fact is it takes me exactly 12 hours to play through Act I of Diablo II and it only takes me 26 hours to play through all Acts of Diablo III. Just to give you an idea of value for money. Knowing what’s coming in Diablo 2, I am pretty sure I am gonna have hours and hours of goblin slaying Fun before reaching the end of it.

Therefore, it is my humble – yet unasked for – opinion that Diablo 2: Resurrected was completely unnecessary to release. But honestly, I enjoyed playing the “resurrected” Act 1 more than I did playing Diablo 3 in its entirety. Sure, I would rather have them finish Diablo 4. And yes, delaying it again makes me a sad fan of the franchise. But I’d rather wait for Diablo 4 while playing a better-looking Diablo 2, than wait for it not playing Diablo 3. Because let’s be honest now, it simply wasn’t as good and you goddamn know it.

Good job on taking my money again, Blizzard. Well played!

*by Horadric staff I mean his penis…

The Holy
Stays true to the original
Still better than Diablo 3...
Looks significantly better, even if you think it doesn't
Absolute example of value for money
The Diabolic
Controls don't translate well to consoles
...but it isn't Diablo 4
Item management is a bit of a boner killer