Science friction: The Star Wars / Star Trek debate Strikes Back

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Hold on to your wormholes, there’s a monumental space nerd squabble going on at Instakilled. Star Wars versus Star Trek, which franchise sucks harder than a black hole and which one sucks a little less? It’s the interstellar question of the last century and the future combined. I really don’t get why, because Star Trek sucks ass, and Star Wars is boss. Still, I constantly get into this pointless discussion with my better half. Time to squash this beef once and for all (which is super ironic, since she’s vegetarian).

First of all, most of you get why I’ve chosen this day to settle this futile debate. For all of you who don’t… GET EDUCATED, you half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder! For all of you who do, happy May the Fourth! Anywho, this Star Wars versus Star Trek debate has been going on for eons now. My lovely girlfriend Nyssa doesn’t shy away from it either and thereby disturbing the Force for a few years now. She keeps insisting that Gene Dingleb… ehm… Roddenberry’s work is far superior to George Lucas’. Poor thing. It must hurt to be so ignorant.

Fair warning

She keeps slapping me with pointless arguments, like “wifebeater” Kirk. Yeah, there you go. Kirk is a wifebeater. I said it. The point that he kisses her beforehand doesn’t change a goddamn thing. But anyway, I digress. My lovely tribble of a girlfriend has thrown quite a few of them my way, and I’d be damned if I didn’t talk about them today. Fair warning in advance, things might get a little hot. Like… Mustafar hot. If you’re a Trekkie, you might not like it that much. I’m not apologizing in advance, just giving you a heads up.

So there’s a lot of stuff happening in both franchises that touch base. There are wise men in them, mechanical structures of death, and a lot of flashy weaponry. People fly around in space crafts too, so a layman would conclude that there’s no real difference. But… the Star Trek versions of them all suck harder than the operating end of a hyper turbine. Once again, I’m sorry for the harshness, but the truth hurts. I’ll explain to you how I’ve come to draw this conclusion.

Words of the Wise

First off, wise men. Star Trek has Spock, this pointy-eared emotionless Vulcan dude whose only contribution to society has been the universal sign for cunnilingus. To him, all is “illogical” or “logical”, with nothing in between. You have feelings to talk about? Sorry man, Spock is the first one to beam himself out in that case. So if you think of it, Star Trek’s wise one is actually a bit of a douche.

Star Wars – on the other hand – has multiple wise figures. Obi-Wan, for example. He might not know how to mind-meld like Spock and has made a couple of mistakes with Anakin, but at least he was there for Luke when his custodians got barbecued on Tatooine. He also shared his ways of the Force without being a dick about it, as did Master Yoda, another wise one. Wait… scrap that. Master Yoda was quite of a dick about it, come to think of it. So there you go. Obi-Wan might not have the stylish haircut that Spock has, but at least he’s someone you can talk to without having to explain what emotions are.

Space Stations… go figure

Then there’s the issue of the big-ass mechanical structures of death: The Death Star and the Borg Cube. I have to admit, the Borg Cube does a pretty good job at striking fear into people. Nobody wants to be assimilated by these mofo Borg dudes. But then again, the Death Star also does that while being way more practical. Remember the sentence “that’s not a moon, it’s a space station”? Obi-Wan had to point that out to the other occupants of the Millenium Falcon. Why? Because the designers of the Death Star actually took time to make it look like one. You know, so it would arouse too much suspicion. Blending in or “camouflaging”, I guess that’s what it’s called.

A Borg cube from Star Trek
A massive cube in space. Looks perfectly natural to me…

What does the Borg do? They make it an effing cube. Because yes, a cube is sooooo inconspicuous in space. Have you ever gazed into the starry skies, wondering what those rectangles are? No! Because there aren’t any! I don’t know if the designer of the Borg Cube made it a damn cube because he left his drawing compass at home that day, but it’s just silly. And for all you people who wanna bash on the Death Star for having a weak spot that got it destroyed with torpedoes… don’t tell me the Borg Cube doesn’t have one. The Borg take shits. There’s bound to be an outlet for the latrines somewhere. One photon torpedo in there and the place will light up like a tree after Christmas.

Don’t point that remote at me!

When it comes to weaponry, Star Wars clearly takes the win. I mean, lightsabers, blasters, the whole enchilada. George Lucas sure knew how to put the wars into Star Wars. Admittedly, the first lightsabers looked kinda lame on screen and the way they were used was pretty clunky. But still, everybody knows what a lightsaber looks like, what it sounds like, and what carnage it can bring. Don’t even tell me that you’ve never pretended to wield one, making the renowned “pssssshhh… vvvvvrow, vvvvvvrow… shhhhh-click” sounds while doing it.

Making that awesome piece of kit compete with a phaser – the predecessor of the current remote control – is absolutely unheard of. I mean, look at the damn thing. It’s a kid’s toy. “Set your phasers from stun to bore” is more like it. Recently, Star Trek has picked up some better weaponry to make it more believable (I guess), so I shouldn’t come down too hard on Gene’s brainfart. They’re starting to get it, the Trekkies.

The list goes on and on…

To be honest, I could go on like this forever, like both franchises also seem to do. You know, how Star Wars even has some killer games, and Star Trek practically has none. The fact that the Enterprise still can’t seem to handle a single hit without shaking as much as it does, almost makes me think that the entire crew has Parkinson’s disease. But then again, I also have to admit that most of what I summed up above is total BS. Claiming that one franchise is better than the other is like saying that a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than a grilled cheese sandwich. Both are different but mighty tasty in their own way.

Star Wars doesn’t aspire to accomplish what Star Trek has. George Lucas went for the science-fantasy approach while Gene Roddenberry actually created some ideas that are part of our lives right now. Video conferencing, tablets, smartphones… in the ’70s it was all fiction. Today, it’s common tech. Who knows what else we’ll be developing shortly. So if you think about it, Star Trek isn’t that bad at all. It just went for a different approach. Instead of the classical good versus evil space fairytale, Roddenberry had a more diplomatic mindset for his franchise. Nothing wrong with that.

So what I’m really trying to say is this. It doesn’t matter what franchise you prefer. If you’re a Trekkie, live long and prosper. Enjoy your voyages of the Starship Enterprise and its wonderfully diverse crew. If you’re a Warsie, May the Fourth be with you today. Make it a good one. Stay away from the Dark Side and don’t go slaughtering kids as Anakin did. That was kind of a bad example. Makes wifebeater Kirk look like a softie…

P.S.: Mad props for Pungang on Deviant Art for creating the image on top!